Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Jimmy (The Wandering Trash Talk Serenader)

This date was 100% the result of a faulty wing man situation.  A quality wing man picks up on the not-so-subtle hints in a timely manner that doesn't allow their Maverick to be faced with an unavoidable last second phone number collection/date proposal after an endless, painfully dry conversation. She knows who she is.
Moving on...

Jimmy knew that I was a recovering Spurs fan and purchased tickets for the Suns/Spurs game... which was six weeks away.  When the appointed date came, I met him after work wearing my Tony Parker jersey.  After an uncomfortable failed attempt at a joke about how hot I looked in it, we were on our way!

When we got to downtown Phoenix, he informed me we would need to find an ATM so he could get cash to pay for parking.  After meandering through the one-way streets for ten minutes, we parked in a lot about 4 blocks from the U.S. Airways Center.  From there we walked two blocks to an ATM (which was two blocks from the center) and back to the car.  Once back in the car, we drove around until we found a parking garage a block from the center.  In the garage, we spiraled downward until I felt nauseated before finally parking.  Following an impossible search for the staircase, he insisted we needed to go down to get to the main level.  This would be a puzzle, seeing how we drove downward as we came in...But who am I? So we went down two flights of stairs where I was proven correct and we started back up.

It was seven flights up to the main level.  He decided this would be a good time to relive his high school days and run football drills up the stairwell. Not kidding.  Gotta give him props. He completely beat me to the top.

We made it to the game halfway through the first quarter, tired and little sweaty.  He proceeded to talk trash... even as my team was completely dominating.  This, however, was the most normal portion of the evening. 

On the way home he decided he was hungry.  Not for dessert.  For an actual meal.  The only problem is that there aren't very many eating establishments open at 11:00 at night.  This didn't stop us from searching the entire city.

During this search, he asked if I like to sing.  I told him I do but only when I'm alone or just goofing off with friends. His response surprised me.

"Would you like to sing something for me?"

"No, I think I'm good.  Thanks, though." He let me know that if I felt more comfortable later on, he wouldn't mind hearing.

It was about that time that he settled on stopping at McDonald's.  We sat at a booth across from a very tired homeless man.  (It was obvious to me that that was the situation.  I soon learned it was not obvious to my date.)  At one point in our conversation, the man leaned over and said,
"How long have the two of you been together?"

I'm sure I looked mortified as I explained that it was our first date.  He replied, "Well, you make a really cute couple."

 Trying not to show my disgust, I made the joke that my date must have paid him to say that.  He chuckled.  Then Jimmy made the painfully ignorant comment:  "I could pay him.  I've got a bunch of cash in my wallet."  Oh gosh. (This man had earlier made a subtle statement that this meal had been a long time coming.)

The cherry on the top of the evening (most of which had been spent driving in circles, walking endlessly and filling awkward silences with even more awkward conversation) was as we were pulling into the parking lot where we had left my car.  Just when I thought I was home free, he says,

"Would you mind if I sang a little something to you?"

He proceeded to sing a church hymn.  I was speechless.  Evidently I took too long to respond as he immediately offered to sing another.  Again I told him that I was all set, exited the car and headed toward my own.  As my hand reached the door handle, he called, "Would you like to go out again sometime?"

I hesitated:

"Ummmm.... maybe."

That meant no.


  1. hahahahahahaha i love this blog more than words can express.

  2. Wow. I'm sorry for you but grateful you write these, for me! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh if only you would hire someone to video tape your dates! Please?

  3. Just want I needed. A good laugh. Could you start stating approximately when these dates take place? I would appreciate that. :)