Jeremiah (The Ball and Chain)

I met this guy at a singles volleyball tournament when we both decided to ditch to play basketball instead. It was also a friend-of-a-friend kind of situation. (Apparently "hey we both like basketball" + "hey we both know that guy" = match made in heaven.)

We exchanged phone numbers and about a week later he invited me to see the midnight showing of Spiderman 3 with him that evening. For the record... that movie was awful. Perhaps I should have taken that as an omen.

It was fun, but obviously not a date since his little sister and her friend tagged along, right? The following Sunday, he invited me over to play games with his family. Wait, does this one count as a date? I really couldn't tell, but it was enjoyable all the same.

Finally later that week, after I'd worked a long shift and gotten off at 10pm, he took me out to dinner. This one was a date. Unfortunately I had a massive headache and... I already mentioned that I got off work at 10pm, right? I had agreed to go under the conditions that it would only be dinner, but still had to turn down numerous suggestions that we go out dancing. Do people actually "go out dancing" and if so... should the guy be the one suggesting it? Either way, I managed to resist.

He had mentioned at dinner that his job required him to be in California during the week, so he wouldn't be back in town until the weekend. As cute as he was, I didn't realize how deeply this was supposed to affect me. The following Monday after getting off the late shift at work, I received a disgruntled text which read, "So what happened today? Why didn't you text me?" I gave him what I thought was the reasonable answer... that I had been at work most of the day like a normal person with any kind of life. "But, you didn't even ask how I was doing!" (We hadn't previously been in a "daily texting" relationship.)

Let me cut this already-too-long story short. A conversation ensued regarding that I would not make a suitable girlfriend due to my lack of concern for him. What the?! I ought to receive an award every time a relationship sneaks up on me. I had no idea I was so committed.

I suppose he still thinks he broke up with me. I personally believe I dodged a bullet.

Billy (The Movie Buff)

This particular episode was one of those sneaky dates. You know the ones I mean... when you don't realize until you've already agreed to go that it's meant to be a date?

So I ended up after some confusion with an obligation to meet (meeting him there was my idea) him for some frozen yogurt. Just dessert, right?! No biggie.

At first it was fine. Small talk, big bites. Once the conversation had reached a serious lull, he began asking me if I had seen certain movies. If I hadn't seen it, he would go into a long reenactment of all the "funniest" parts. After a few of those, I decided to try saying that I had seen it! Incorrect.

If I had seen it, the same sort of reenactment would follow... only this time it would require my participation. A few times I tried changing the subject, but at the first pause, the conversation would return to one of the previously-discussed movies with a, "Yeah and remember that one part..."

After over an hour of this, I remembered some errands I was planning to run after the outing and mentioned that I needed to get to the store before it closed.
*Side note: This was legitimate. I did not make this up just as an excuse, although it was convenient.

The store happened to be across the parking lot from where we were, so like a gentleman he insisted on doing my shopping with me. Escape failure. As I grabbed my necessities (minus a few that I wasn't going to shop for with him) the subject changed to my favorite sports teams and the reasons they all suck. Honestly? I would rather listen to bad Will Ferrell impressions.

A painful 45 minutes later I was standing by my car with the door open, keys in hand. After thanking him for dessert, saying goodnight, and offering a quick hug... I began to get into my car. Just as I was about to close the door, he began a whole new discussion of all of his favorite Adam Sandler movies. I amused him for another 10 minutes before saying goodnight one final time. I'm fairly certain he was still describing a car chase scene from "The Longest Yard" as I drove away.

Bless his heart.

Milo (The Sniffer/Picker)

I met Milo in my Chemistry class. How appropriate. He was good looking, charming, and extremely complimentary. After talking in class a few times and exchanging phone numbers, he asked me to go bowling with him. I love bowling!

The evening was going wonderfully. That is, until I caught a glimpse of him sniffing my shoes during my turn. Surely I was imagining things.
Later on he put his arm around my shoulders and asked, "My armpits don't stink, do they? Smell them!" Okay... growing slightly less charming.

That night was quite strange, but after he insisted that I was amazing (can't argue with sound logic) and that he loved spending time with me, I agree to go out with him again. This time we were playing billiards. I love billiards!

Again it was an average evening full of flowery compliments (almost nauseating). We played on a team against another couple that had come with us. After his shot he turned to me and asked me to examine a bump on his neck. I reported that it looked like an ingrown hair.

"Would you mind picking it for me?"

I don't care how incredible or beautiful I am... I'm not down with that.

Mario (The Speedster)

This particular boy was an interesting one. He popped out of nowhere and disappeared almost as quickly. I can't even recall his actual name.

He was a boy who was in Oklahoma selling something door-to-door for the summer. We didn't associate much during that summer, but he lived in a town near the one in which I went to school. One night he called and wanted to take me out for a drive. (Ladies, this is almost always a red flag...) Perhaps the drive wouldn't have been so awful if the conversation was more worthwhile. It was almost painful how little we had in common.

After about 45 minutes of excruciating meandering, we came to a certain two lane, curvy road and turned to head further from town. I was suddenly very aware that we were accelerating at a shocking rate. I glanced at the speedometer to see that we were now going a reasonable 75 in a 50 zone. At that moment I thought to myself, "What I wouldn't give to see a cop right now."

The cosmos must have heard me! (For once.) Just around the very next bend was a highway patrolman who didn't hesitate to pull us over. My lovely date, nervous, tried to explain our destination and the purpose of his expeditious driving. Five minutes later the officer returned to give my date a warning. Are you kidding me?! He was going 25 over. Oh well... the guy was sufficiently embarrassed and I was provided a convenient excuse to insist we head back to my place, so that would do.

One awkward door scene later I was getting ready for bed when I received a text message from him that he had just been pulled over on his way home from my place going 85 in a 65 and had gotten off with another warning. I was so impressed. I can't guarantee I answered any more of his phonecalls.

There was definitely a gap in his dating etiquette... and the Department of Public Safety.

Nick (So Close...Yet So Far)

I was asked out by this young man after moving to a new area. He told me he was house-sitting and invited me to have dinner (which he would be cooking) and watch a movie with him. It sounded pleasant enough, and so it was!

He picked me up and took me to the grocery store on our way to the house he was watching. (In hind sight, the fact that he was taking me to an empty house that didn't belong to him in the next town over might have been a red flag. Let this be a lesson, ladies.) He grilled some steaks while I put together a salad. Dinner was actually pretty fabulous, as was the conversation. Could this possibly be a decent date?

After cleaning up, we put in a slightly creepy movie (which I've since realized is a tactic used to get closer to girls... I've seen it a number of times since.) Throughout the movie and to my happy surprise, no inappropriate advances were made... unless you count the all-too-available hand on the couch next to me as if to say, "It's here you want it." (I didn't.)

As he was about to drive me home, his phone rang. He told me it was his best friend, probably calling to see how the date went. Curious to see how he thought the date had gone, I laughed and told him he could take it if he wanted to. He put it on speaker.

I listened as he told his friend that the date had gone VERY well. He then proceeded to tell a very descriptive (and completely fictitious) story about how I was "all over him" wanting to make out the entire time, along with a few other revoltingly inappropriate delusions. But that wasn't the worst part. After laying out the lies, his friend replied:

"Dude, when you told me you were going out with her, I totally knew she would be like that!"

Turning bright red, he told his friend he would give him "more details" later and hung up. Of course I protested that he hadn't told the friend that he'd been lying. In response, he turned to me and said, "Well, the way I see it, we have two options here. Either you can call my friend back and tell him that was a lie... or we can do everything I told him right now."

I opted for #3: He drove me home in awkward silence and promised he would call his friend the next morning. To this day, I'm not sure he did. I ran into the friend two weeks later at a bowling alley. Uncomfortable.

The ironic part is that up until that point, I probably would have gone out with him again.

Ken (the ditcher)

In college, my roommates and I would plan a group date once a month and set each other up with guys we knew. This particular date was the Christmas date.

About thirty minutes after the date was supposed to start, the date my roommate arranged for me still hadn't shown up. When she called, he said he had forgotten and finally made it about 45 minutes into the date. We went on with the "festivities" as planned, but after 40 minutes or so, he pretended to take a phone call outside. (It never actually rang.) He came back inside claiming he had been called into work (at 10:00 on a Saturday night.) I spent the rest of the date...dateless. It was a jolly good time!

The next week I ran into someone he worked with. Apparently the office isn't open on the weekends. Go figure!

On the bright side, I've learned to better appreciate the boys that show up... for the whole date. Automatic points.

Mick (The Recycler)

A little over two years ago, my college apartment was assigned a new apartment of boys for our FHE family. Two of my roommates and I went over Sunday evening to chat before we had FHE the next night. After FHE Monday night, one of my "brothers" pulled me aside and said, "Hey, I just feel like I need to let you know that I have a girlfriend." (sidenote: I don't think I gave him any reason to need to have this conversation.) He went on to explain that he still wanted to hang out with me...I should just keep in mind he has a girlfriend. I let him know I was completely okay with the fact that he was taken.

Long story short: He went to run errands a few days later with my roommate and myself and we were in the children's story section of Deseret Book when he sits me down to have another "talk." What he'd been dying to tell me was that he was supposed to be engaged to this girl, but since he met me (4 days ago, mind you) he'd been having second thoughts. "Do you think there's a chance between us?" It was the kind of thing that you see in the movies but never expect someone to do in real life. Very flattering. Not super tempting. Why would I want to date someone who would break an engagement for someone he doesn't know?

I later found out that I made a fabulous call on that. As it turns out, he's an underwear recycler. Apparently it can "air out" while he showers. Don't ask how I found that out.

Craig - episode two (the nap)

A few weeks after the first date, I had a break between classes in the middle of the day. Naturally this became my typical nap time. One particular afternoon, "Craig" was on his way to the door just as I was headed to my bed. My roommate told him I was upstairs napping (which was very nearly true.) They talked for a minute and the door closed. She headed to her room for a nap.

About 45 minutes later, clad in sweats and half-smeared makeup I wandered downstairs. To my surprise/dismay/...(what's a good word for creeped-outness?) he was sitting the couch watching TV. I calmly started a conversation and somehow managed not to begin with "What the heck are you doing here?" I thought I could at least be polite enough to say hello before getting ready to go back to campus.

After a painful minute or two of small talk there was a lull in the conversation. He took the opportunity to lean in close to my ear, and in a low, nasal voice that still sends shivers down my spine whisper, "You look really, really pretty today."

I've never been so excited to go to class.

Craig - episode one (Insecurity?!)

Craig was a friend of mine. He would often attempt to ask me out, but I thought it better if we remained just friends. On one occasion, Craig asked if I would be his date. You see, his roommate wanted to ask my best friend out on their first date (they're now married) and wanted him to double. I was the most logical choice.

We had a nice, relatively normal dinner before attending a musical performance at the university. Things were going just fine (or so I thought) until following one of the final numbers he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "So...I noticed that you haven't been clapping loudly as I have. Are you not enjoying yourself?"

Oh my. More from this guy later! Be excited, dear readers.