Mario (The Speedster)

This particular boy was an interesting one. He popped out of nowhere and disappeared almost as quickly. I can't even recall his actual name.

He was a boy who was in Oklahoma selling something door-to-door for the summer. We didn't associate much during that summer, but he lived in a town near the one in which I went to school. One night he called and wanted to take me out for a drive. (Ladies, this is almost always a red flag...) Perhaps the drive wouldn't have been so awful if the conversation was more worthwhile. It was almost painful how little we had in common.

After about 45 minutes of excruciating meandering, we came to a certain two lane, curvy road and turned to head further from town. I was suddenly very aware that we were accelerating at a shocking rate. I glanced at the speedometer to see that we were now going a reasonable 75 in a 50 zone. At that moment I thought to myself, "What I wouldn't give to see a cop right now."

The cosmos must have heard me! (For once.) Just around the very next bend was a highway patrolman who didn't hesitate to pull us over. My lovely date, nervous, tried to explain our destination and the purpose of his expeditious driving. Five minutes later the officer returned to give my date a warning. Are you kidding me?! He was going 25 over. Oh well... the guy was sufficiently embarrassed and I was provided a convenient excuse to insist we head back to my place, so that would do.

One awkward door scene later I was getting ready for bed when I received a text message from him that he had just been pulled over on his way home from my place going 85 in a 65 and had gotten off with another warning. I was so impressed. I can't guarantee I answered any more of his phonecalls.

There was definitely a gap in his dating etiquette... and the Department of Public Safety.

Nick (So Close...Yet So Far)

I was asked out by this young man after moving to a new area. He told me he was house-sitting and invited me to have dinner (which he would be cooking) and watch a movie with him. It sounded pleasant enough, and so it was!

He picked me up and took me to the grocery store on our way to the house he was watching. (In hind sight, the fact that he was taking me to an empty house that didn't belong to him in the next town over might have been a red flag. Let this be a lesson, ladies.) He grilled some steaks while I put together a salad. Dinner was actually pretty fabulous, as was the conversation. Could this possibly be a decent date?

After cleaning up, we put in a slightly creepy movie (which I've since realized is a tactic used to get closer to girls... I've seen it a number of times since.) Throughout the movie and to my happy surprise, no inappropriate advances were made... unless you count the all-too-available hand on the couch next to me as if to say, "It's here you want it." (I didn't.)

As he was about to drive me home, his phone rang. He told me it was his best friend, probably calling to see how the date went. Curious to see how he thought the date had gone, I laughed and told him he could take it if he wanted to. He put it on speaker.

I listened as he told his friend that the date had gone VERY well. He then proceeded to tell a very descriptive (and completely fictitious) story about how I was "all over him" wanting to make out the entire time, along with a few other revoltingly inappropriate delusions. But that wasn't the worst part. After laying out the lies, his friend replied:

"Dude, when you told me you were going out with her, I totally knew she would be like that!"

Turning bright red, he told his friend he would give him "more details" later and hung up. Of course I protested that he hadn't told the friend that he'd been lying. In response, he turned to me and said, "Well, the way I see it, we have two options here. Either you can call my friend back and tell him that was a lie... or we can do everything I told him right now."

I opted for #3: He drove me home in awkward silence and promised he would call his friend the next morning. To this day, I'm not sure he did. I ran into the friend two weeks later at a bowling alley. Uncomfortable.

The ironic part is that up until that point, I probably would have gone out with him again.

Ken (the ditcher)

In college, my roommates and I would plan a group date once a month and set each other up with guys we knew. This particular date was the Christmas date.

About thirty minutes after the date was supposed to start, the date my roommate arranged for me still hadn't shown up. When she called, he said he had forgotten and finally made it about 45 minutes into the date. We went on with the "festivities" as planned, but after 40 minutes or so, he pretended to take a phone call outside. (It never actually rang.) He came back inside claiming he had been called into work (at 10:00 on a Saturday night.) I spent the rest of the date...dateless. It was a jolly good time!

The next week I ran into someone he worked with. Apparently the office isn't open on the weekends. Go figure!

On the bright side, I've learned to better appreciate the boys that show up... for the whole date. Automatic points.

Mick (The Recycler)

A little over two years ago, my college apartment was assigned a new apartment of boys for our FHE family. Two of my roommates and I went over Sunday evening to chat before we had FHE the next night. After FHE Monday night, one of my "brothers" pulled me aside and said, "Hey, I just feel like I need to let you know that I have a girlfriend." (sidenote: I don't think I gave him any reason to need to have this conversation.) He went on to explain that he still wanted to hang out with me...I should just keep in mind he has a girlfriend. I let him know I was completely okay with the fact that he was taken.

Long story short: He went to run errands a few days later with my roommate and myself and we were in the children's story section of Deseret Book when he sits me down to have another "talk." What he'd been dying to tell me was that he was supposed to be engaged to this girl, but since he met me (4 days ago, mind you) he'd been having second thoughts. "Do you think there's a chance between us?" It was the kind of thing that you see in the movies but never expect someone to do in real life. Very flattering. Not super tempting. Why would I want to date someone who would break an engagement for someone he doesn't know?

I later found out that I made a fabulous call on that. As it turns out, he's an underwear recycler. Apparently it can "air out" while he showers. Don't ask how I found that out.

Craig - episode two (the nap)

A few weeks after the first date, I had a break between classes in the middle of the day. Naturally this became my typical nap time. One particular afternoon, "Craig" was on his way to the door just as I was headed to my bed. My roommate told him I was upstairs napping (which was very nearly true.) They talked for a minute and the door closed. She headed to her room for a nap.

About 45 minutes later, clad in sweats and half-smeared makeup I wandered downstairs. To my surprise/dismay/...(what's a good word for creeped-outness?) he was sitting the couch watching TV. I calmly started a conversation and somehow managed not to begin with "What the heck are you doing here?" I thought I could at least be polite enough to say hello before getting ready to go back to campus.

After a painful minute or two of small talk there was a lull in the conversation. He took the opportunity to lean in close to my ear, and in a low, nasal voice that still sends shivers down my spine whisper, "You look really, really pretty today."

I've never been so excited to go to class.

Craig - episode one (Insecurity?!)

Craig was a friend of mine. He would often attempt to ask me out, but I thought it better if we remained just friends. On one occasion, Craig asked if I would be his date. You see, his roommate wanted to ask my best friend out on their first date (they're now married) and wanted him to double. I was the most logical choice.

We had a nice, relatively normal dinner before attending a musical performance at the university. Things were going just fine (or so I thought) until following one of the final numbers he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "So...I noticed that you haven't been clapping loudly as I have. Are you not enjoying yourself?"

Oh my. More from this guy later! Be excited, dear readers.

Kelly (Hey, that's a guy's name, too!)

My last semester of college I was trying (and succeeding) to avoid dating altogether. One Friday night around the middle of the semester a guy I knew from church called and asked if I'd join him for a movie that evening. I was reluctant, as I had already made plans with my roommates (at least that was the excuse I used to get out of dates) but after he persisted, I consented. Five minutes later he was outside my apartment in a Jeep...with the top down. His roommate had asked another girl from my complex and and she and I were put in the back of the open Jeep while they guys sat in the front without the wind. (Did I mention it was about 45 degrees?!) After I was buckled up and we were on our way out of the parking lot, I noticed a car full of girls following behind us. "Oh yeah," he said. "Our FHE sisters wanted to come so we invited them along."

Recap: I'm freezing in the back of a Jeep with the top down and have no hair tie. I've just realized this "date" is going to be me, two guys, and seven other girls.

When we got to the movie theatre (25 minutes later) they looked at the movie times and realized the next showing wasn't for two more hours. One of the six tag-alongs suggested we all go out to eat while we wait. As magical as that sounded, I secretly texted my roommate to have her pick me up and asked them to drop me off at the mall. Even shopping didn't redeem that evening.